I know, I know. I’ve been a plum son. It’s been way too long. God, a lot’s been going on. I’ve been busy.
You know the girl I’ve been seeing?
No, not that one. She was a nightmare!
Yeah. THAT one. The doctor!
What do you mean she’s too good for me? Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ve been pinching myself the whole time wondering what she sees in a loser like me.
Plum no, I haven’t scared her off yet.
And I haven’t put any voodoo spells on her either. Cut the jokes, Ma. This is serious.
I um. I’ve asked her to marry me.
No, I haven’t told anyone. That’s why I came to see you. I wanted you to be the first to know.
Of course, she said yes. Do you think I’d be telling you all this if she’d busted my balls? Come on.
Okay okay, I’ll give you the details.
I took her to that nice seafood place downtown. Yeah, they let people like me in there and no, I did not make her pay. Good one, Ma.
We had crusted salmon and no plumming, I ordered a 50 simoleon bottle of wine. She was impressed, wondering what I was up to. I didn’t want to spoil the surprise, so I lied and said I’d gotten that job as a sous chef at Chez Louis. I know. It was a dumb move, but she forgave me. Anyways, I’m getting ahead of myself.
I took her on a romantic stroll through Lover’s Park. I dunno what came over me but my hands started sweating and my knees shook so bad I could hardly walk. I mean, what was I doing? This was the biggest thing I’d ever done in my life. The most important thing. I was going to be like you and Dad. No divorce. It was gonna be me and her for the rest of our lives. Would she say yes?
So, I chickened out. I know! You’re right. It was a weak thing to do. I should have been stronger than that, but you know how it is. I mean, she’s so beautiful and successful, I just wasn’t sure if she’d want to get hooked up with me like forever, you know?
We ended the night at her doorstep and I was all fidgety and looked dumb as plum. She’d asked me like a hundred times through the night what was wrong, but I’d just brush it off.
Looking at me just staring at my shoes, not leaving, my girlfriend held my hand and squeezed. She said, “Hey, it’s Mother’s Day soon. Why don’t you visit your mom? You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
I shook my head. You know who she reminded me of?
While I was standing there, it was like I was that idiot kid you had to take care of again. Remember the time I splashed in the fountain at Crested Park with my clothes on. God, I thought you were going to kill me right there. No joke.
And there was that time both of us snuck up on Dad while he was watching tv. He didn’t think it was funny, but we did. My sides are hurting just thinking about it.
I’ll never forget when I’d gotten into that motorcycle accident, you never left my side. Not for one minute. You know, I’ve always been grateful for you, Ma. And I was just a sorry plum for not saying it to you enough.
So, yeah, I did it. I got down on one knee and proposed!
And she said yes, so here I am.
Oh, these are for you. Sunflowers. Your favorites. I know because Dad told me.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I love you.”