Visiting Mom

“Hey, Ma!

I know, I know. I’ve been a plum son. It’s been way too long. God, a lot’s been going on. I’ve been busy. 

You know the girl I’ve been seeing?

No, not that one. She was a nightmare!

Yeah. THAT one. The doctor! 

What do you mean she’s too good for me? Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ve been pinching myself the whole time wondering what she sees in a loser like me. 

Plum no, I haven’t scared her off yet.

 And I haven’t put any voodoo spells on her either. Cut the jokes, Ma. This is serious. 

I um. I’ve asked her to marry me. 

No, I haven’t told anyone. That’s why I came to see you. I wanted you to be the first to know. 

Of course, she said yes. Do you think I’d be telling you all this if she’d busted my balls? Come on.

Okay okay, I’ll give you the details.

I took her to that nice seafood place downtown. Yeah, they let people like me in there and no, I did not make her pay. Good one, Ma. 

We had crusted salmon and no plumming, I ordered a 50 simoleon bottle of wine. She was impressed, wondering what I was up to. I didn’t want to spoil the surprise, so I lied and said I’d gotten that job as a sous chef at Chez Louis. I know. It was a dumb move, but she forgave me. Anyways, I’m getting ahead of myself. 

I took her on a romantic stroll through Lover’s Park. I dunno what came over me but my hands started sweating and my knees shook so bad I could hardly walk. I mean, what was I doing? This was the biggest thing I’d ever done in my life. The most important thing. I was going to be like you and Dad. No divorce. It was gonna be me and her for the rest of our lives. Would she say yes? 

So, I chickened out. I know! You’re right. It was a weak thing to do. I should have been stronger than that, but you know how it is. I mean, she’s so beautiful and successful, I just wasn’t sure if she’d want to get hooked up with me like forever, you know? 

We ended the night at her doorstep and I was all fidgety and looked dumb as plum. She’d asked me like a hundred times through the night what was wrong, but I’d just brush it off. 

Looking at me just staring at my shoes, not leaving, my girlfriend held my hand and squeezed. She said, “Hey, it’s Mother’s Day soon. Why don’t you visit your mom? You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

I shook my head. You know who she reminded me of?

While I was standing there, it was like I was that idiot kid you had to take care of again. Remember the time I splashed in the fountain at Crested Park with my clothes on. God, I thought you were going to kill me right there. No joke.

And there was that time both of us snuck up on Dad while he was watching tv. He didn’t think it was funny, but we did. My sides are hurting just thinking about it. 

I’ll never forget when I’d gotten into that motorcycle accident, you never left my side. Not for one minute. You know, I’ve always been grateful for you, Ma. And I was just a sorry plum for not saying it to you enough. 

So, yeah, I did it. I got down on one knee and proposed!

And she said yes, so here I am. 

Oh, these are for you. Sunflowers. Your favorites. I know because Dad told me.

And Ma?

Happy Mother’s Day.

I love you.”

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The Chase

I just moved to this city, trying to get my act together. My life had been one screw up after another (including my ex girlfriend but we won’t go there.)

I’d settled in for the most part. Got a decent job (as a bartender). Got a decent apartment (it only contained a few roaches and a spare mouse or two). I even liked the food truck that was conveniently parked right outside the steps of my apartment building. The girl who owned it was pretty.

But today, she closed right as I was about to order. My luck.

When I turned around, I noticed two suspicious people staring at me. Both wearing sunglasses.

It wasn’t sunny.

There’s only a few reasons people wear sunglasses when the sun’s going down. One, they don’t want to be recognized because they’re famous or two, they’re hiding something. Since San Myshuno isn’t known for its famous people, I was betting they were on the shady side.

I didn’t want trouble, so I decided to get the plum out of there. I didn’t exactly live in the best of neighborhoods.

As I shot toward the bay, I distinctly heard footsteps shuffling behind me. So I picked up the pace.

The shuffling behind me turned into full blown sprinting.

Man, what did these people want with me?

I thought about my ex. Did she pay assassins to take me out? Okay, sure, things didn’t work out, and we said some nasty things to each other (including her throwing a few shoes at me), but this was seriously messed up. She wouldn’t go that far. Would she?

Then I remembered hearing on the news about some gangs around here killing people for just a few simoleons.

I bet both of them had guns aimed right at my back. I was about to die! I pictured my body sprawled out in a pool of my own blood. Steam rising off my corpse in the city streets. What a way to go.

I could almost feel the bullets rifling through me as I hustled over the sidewalks and jumped a fire hydrant.

This was so stupid. If I was going to die, I might as well get it over with. So I slipped into the nearest bar.

Then I came face to face with the gunmen. “What the plum do you want with me?” I screamed.

“You dropped your wallet over there,” the guy said, with a kind grin. He handed it to me.

The lady explained, “We saw it fall out of your pocket by that food stall. Glad we caught up to you.”

God, I’m so dumb.